Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[canadians at you, canadianly]
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?