Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you