Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

When you have to use a public restroom.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind