Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.