Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.

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I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.


CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.


Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure


If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.


I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”


Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.


Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.


Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*