ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.
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…and tonight’s final jeopardy category is Greek Mythology
*giant centaur snorts and smiles at the other two contestants*
I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*
*spoon just disappears*
day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.