@markleggett

Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.

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@RobDenBleyker

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

@better_off_dad

CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.

@graceupongracie

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

@dmc1138

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

@Cheeseboy22

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.

Them:

Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*