@RobDenBleyker
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
@markleggett
Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.
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@RobDenBleyker
@better_off_dad
CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.
@graceupongracie
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
@Pandamoanimum
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
@dmc1138
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
@Cheeseboy22
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
@WineMummy
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
@Token_Geezer
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
@LittleMissAngr1
Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.
Them:
Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.
@mccanncreates
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*