@markleggett

Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.

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@bobvulfov

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

@murrman5

…and tonight’s final jeopardy category is Greek Mythology
*giant centaur snorts and smiles at the other two contestants*

@FeelingMervis

I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.

@AbrasiveGhost

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

@ConcernedSirGuy

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

@ojedge

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@david8hughes

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

@SimplySnaccbar

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.