[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?