What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Expect the unexporcupine.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.