The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”