Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

you have three unread messages

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”