Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’d hang this in my house.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber