“Congratulations, the baby’s got green overalls!” Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.

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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!


If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.


Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.


Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.


My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.


Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy


If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager


I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.


Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone


Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.