@briangaar: "Congratulations, the baby's got green overalls!" Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.
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@BoomBoomBetty: Selfie attempt: come hither look Selfie result: looks like I'm staring into a sandstorm
@upsidedowntrash: Mom: What are you hiding in there? -nuthin [Vin Diesel noises from closet] M: Is Vin Diesel in there? -...yes Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
@_troyjohnson: Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.
@hero_ofthenight: If I worked at Starbucks I'd pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time. "I see you're drinking 2%, is that because you think you're fat?"