@briangaar

“Congratulations, the baby’s got green overalls!” Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.

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@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

@4SLars

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

@BetteMidler

Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.

@ExperBadMom

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@dxblarssonENG

Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-what?
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy

@CakeThrottle

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

@sixfootcandy

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@einsteinsexual

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.