Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
this is uni
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien