Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
sir, my pâté if you please
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
About to form my very first opinion
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
wait.
