Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.