Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week