Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
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My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’ve been lied to my entire life
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*