Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you