Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

This kid will have a bright future.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.