Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]