Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
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Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something