Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
look at me when i’m typing to you
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.