Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Breaking news:
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.