Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
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[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I basically called this earlier today
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’m ready to try another planet.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Breaking news:
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.