Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
peep davidson
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”