Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Match dot com, but for socks.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.