Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.