congratulations to them
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.