congratulations to them
You Might Also Like
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Running from your problems is cardio .
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Expect the unexporcupine.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there