CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Told my teen who has a science project due in a month to work on it a little bit each day instead of waiting until a few days before it’s due to start it.
Him: Is that what you did when you were a kid?
Me: This isn’t about me.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america