Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.