Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

I had to touch-up my friend’s hair with hair color and personally I think I did a great job. It only took her 35 minutes to get the dye off her forehead, left eyelid and my floor. I’ve found my calling.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.