Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wait, let me explain..”

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”