Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

Every work call, he judges.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.