Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Taco Bell, Exit 22
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.