Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal