Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.