*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”