Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
