Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Swedish for common sense.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?