*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
a god among men
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
This hospital has everything
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.