consequences, the bane of my existence
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the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Banking tips
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
mom gave me mine for free
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”