consequences, the bane of my existence
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
GM✌🏻
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Snack for election night!
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down