consequences, the bane of my existence
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.