Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children