Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Happy Taco Tuesday
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.