[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics