Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

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[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup