Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
