Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

what day is it?

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack