Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder