Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
You Might Also Like
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
