Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Winnipeg!!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Finally!
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
