Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
live, laugh, laundry.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.