Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”