Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
consequences, the bane of my existence
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
