Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
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As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
S O O N
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.