Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.