@erikaskarlet

Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.

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@GoddessTitty

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

@FilthyRichmond

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

@iamburtjarvis

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

@KeetPotato

Yes, I’d like to return this pizza

“is there a problem, sir?”

*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON

“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”

@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.