My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Yes, I’d like to return this pizza
“is there a problem, sir?”
*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON
“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.