Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
They’re called werewolves.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.