Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.

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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”


ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af


Yes, I’d like to return this pizza

“is there a problem, sir?”


“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”


DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah


Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on


Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.


HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.