Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.