Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

is nasa ok

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong