Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

My patience has stretch marks.

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?