Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

*offers Batman cough drops*

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

taking June’s advice to heart

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.