Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The days of good grammer has went
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell