Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Managing expectations
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.