Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
