Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

perfect

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.