Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
6. me as a lawyer
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight