Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

I’m never leaving this app.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’