Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.