Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
🐕🍷
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Okay