@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

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@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@9GAG

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

@DamienFahey

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

@SirEviscerate

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

@CantWaitToNap

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

@MariyaAlexander

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

@Modern_Psyche

Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.