What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!
What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.
Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.