@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

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@TragicAllyHere

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

@gorrdano

Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”

@MollyCocktail

*pours gasoline*
*strikes match*
*tosses*

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Laundry’s done.

@MelvinofYork

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

@zachreinert03

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

@Six_Pack_Mom

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

@SaraESpivey

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@Coastiefish

Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.

@Manda_like_wine

She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.

@AnnDabromowitz

When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”