Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there