@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

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@murrman5

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

@lilgapeach32

Who decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? “Manslaughter is illegal” would’ve been more relevant.

@trutherbot

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

@YourPrincess_L

Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.

@itsrealTED

“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white