Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

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The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”


Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”


*pours gasoline*
*strikes match*


Laundry’s done.


It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive


Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though


You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)


I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.


Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.


She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.


When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”