Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You Might Also Like
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My sex drive has a dui
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.