Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.