Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*